KY speaks

Ladies and gentlemen, I am your substitute teacher, Mr. KY, and the topic for today is “the proper stance for female using old school squatting toilet”

As we all know, Malaysia, as a third-world country, retains many legacy systems in our daily lives. While some are a form of blessing, others sometimes prove to be a source of exercise in frustration. One of the blessings is of course, the old school toilet bowl.

Now, there are many benefits to the old school toilets. Let me iterate them in an easy-to-read point form:

• Leg exercise
• No splashing when shitting
• Easy to clean
• Nostalgic value
• Your dogs can even use it (beat that, new toilet!)

For guys, assuming you still have the tool you are born with, follow the same way, except replace sitting with squatting. Hence the title specify “female”, you know I am not sexist now don’t you?

For female, I have drawn up some graphics to show you how to use it properly. Please do not be astonished by my natural talent in painting, I know I am that good.

First, let us examine the difference between the two toilet systems. On your left is the new invention we can leave without, and on the right, is our beloved legacy system.

Now, the real lesson begins. Listen carefully you gals. To pee, please use the all-powerful “Type A” method. The advantages are:

• Shoot direct to the hole, less cleaning required later
• A chance to practice your shooting skills like a man
• A chance to shoot the roaches that are creeping up
• Enjoy looking at graffiti on the wall

It gets exciting now. To shit, commence the all-interesting “Type-B” method. The advantages are:

• Shit straight to the hole, less cleaning required alter
• A chance to practice your shitting aim
• A chance to bomb the roaches that are creeping up
• Enjoy looking at graffiti on the door

You must have thought that the lesson is finished by now. But wait, there is more. When you are peeing, and suddenly decided to shit, swiftly change from “Type-A” to “Type-B” immediately, to enjoy all 8 distinct advantages! However, after my intense research, it is found that gals are not advisable to switch from “Type-B” to “Type-A” when shitting, and suddenly decided to pee. The most common reason being that one might shit again after peeing, and it’ll be too much of an occupational hazard to switch too many times in one session.

Moral of the lesson:

• Keep our toilets clean
• Kill them roaches
• I am cool

Class dismiss!

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